Baby Boy
by Dajypop
Summary: “If I hear one more word out of your mouth before I eat dinner, I’ll give you something serious to complain about.” Lemon, yaoi, Mpreg, gore, romance…if you could call it romance…and much revenge.
1. Engage

Title: Baby Boy  
Author: Piratedolliebaby  
Rating: M  
Category: Horror/Humor  
Fandom: Naruto  
Pairing(s): Kakuhida, Tobidei, PeinKona, KisaIta  
Chapters: 1/?  
Summary: "If I hear one more word out of your mouth before I eat dinner, I'll give you something serious to complain about." (Lemon, yaoi, Mpreg, gore, romance…if you could call it romance…and much revenge.)

AN: Okay, this story sprouted while I was on the phone with my friend Lizzie. We're total Narutards, and I have several reasons to believe that Hidan could successfully pull off a pregnancy. So stuff it, for those of you who don't know what I'm gonna do. It'll be funny and interesting, let me tell you, and most of all, it will have a little smut. In fact, this first chapter has smut. So…anyone who is uncomfy with that, just skip it and go on to the next one. Or skim through and find what you can deal with, because there will be some parts crucial to the plot in this chapter. I hope to make it a few pages long, rather than two or three. Even six would be lovely, but I'll see what I can do. Anyway, without further adieu, here we go!

**Chapter One: Engage**

Never in his life had Kakuzu been so verbally abused. It seemed that every single curse word or insult that popped into his partner's brain would rush right out to greet him. After the first fifteen minutes, Kakuzu had admittedly become a little irked; but this was reaching into its second hour, and the stitched-nin was half-tempted to remove Hidan's head and throw it in the trash. Not that he was totally sure that would help; Hidan would still find a way to bitch at him. A sigh left his lips and he rolled his absent green eyes.

"Are you done?" He rumbled after another fifteen minutes of ranting, eyes narrowing. If there was any one way to stop a Hidan-style bitchfit, Kakuzu was a master of it. When all he was answered with was a more ardent string of bad words and threats, he surged forward and crushed his lips into Hidan's. The albino fought it hazily, but when those massive, strong hands closed around his upper arms, he gave up the goat. The kiss was rough and full of teeth doing just what Hidan loved. Biting everything from lips to tongues to other teeth, he found his hands running along the taller man's stitched arms, fingers pushing under the threads best they could.

Other than the fact it was more gory flesh to touch, Kakuzu was at a loss to explain why Hidan liked feeling bare muscles and veins. The smaller body pulled at the threads, all the while pushing at the larger man until he felt something against the back of his leg. Kakuzu tumbled over onto his back, feeling chilly hands splay on his stomach. If there was one thing he had learned about Hidan, it was that he _always_ had cold hands and feet, and that he _never_ could resist his more primal urges when they were brought up. It had been his plan all along to get Hidan to stop complaining about everything, and the only two ways he could think of were to get him something to slaughter and sacrifice to Jashin, or to get him entangled in a sensual paradise. He often opted for the second one, because he usually didn't get anything out of the first.

Clothes were removed before a hard bite to his lip brought Kakuzu back to reality, and he blinked a bit, looking cross-eyed at the purple-eyed devil attached to him. Tugging hard, it appeared Hidan's goal was to rip the poor thing right off of Kakuzu's face. With a growl, the larger man shoved his partner over, onto the bed on his side before practically climbing over him and pushing him over further, straddling his slim, pale hips. With a wide smile, the Jashinist ground his hips forward and upward, releasing a guttural growl into their grunts and grumbles.

Both men twisted and conformed to each other, their bodies becoming one quicker than Hidan had hoped. He liked a bit more foreplay, but he certainly didn't mind the sudden fullness, a groan in his throat. Eyes fluttering, the small priest gazed up into those backward-colored eyes with his own glazed. Between the two of them, this was all they'd really do together. At least, that they'd both participate in, save for bloody rituals that usually resulted in sex.

As it stood, Kakuzu simply flooded into Hidan, leaving the younger male nothing more than a limp puddle of moans and blood. He always loved this kind of squabbling; when things between them got too heated, it usually ended this way, so that they both got joy out of every complaint. His nails dug into Kakuzu's back, and his legs suddenly jumped around his hips, hooking there. After only a little while, Kakuzu found his release, moments before leaving Hidan's body. Of course, the Jashinist certainly wasn't happy anymore.

As soon as Kakuzu left him laying there, the ex-priest growled and sat up, nearly spitting fire.

"Why the fuck did you stop, you boner-biting prick?" He nearly yowled, looking down at himself with disgust. Kakuzu could be such a moron sometimes. It was at this time the albino eyed his scythe, standing up near the door. Kakuzu simply rolled his eyes.

"You're usually right behind me." He pointed out, retreating to a desk and digging for something. "If you're gonna be that pissed about it, get on all fours." As he spoke, he pulled out a sharply pronged whip. Hidan was sure to finish soon.

Once he saw the device, the smaller man rolled over onto his hands and knees almost too fast. It was obvious that Hidan liked this part, especially when the thick leather left a blood-filled lick to his rear, a large gash being left behind while a loud cry of joy left his lips. With each motion, more and more blood was spilled onto the cheap sheets of Kakuzu's bed. The harder and more lethal the hit, the more joy Hidan got out of it. Three of the hook-like barbs caught onto his side near his ribs and clung to him, tearing down his body with no more reactions than that of a suddenly-weak Hidan dropping to the bed with pleasure-filled moans. Finally, the shorter male was done.

Once he had put everything away, Kakuzu watched as his partner's breathing slowed and his brain turned off. It was now that he noticed just how much blood Hidan had lost. With a sigh, he hefted up the body laying limp on the bed and somehow managed to tug some pants up. His next stop was the shower; a large room with several showers inside it. One per member, but they were big enough to fit two. Lugging Hidan's form into the first stall he came to, he started up the water.

It wasn't often that he took the time to do this for his "lover", but on occasion he didn't want Hidan to wake up complaining. After cleaning up his body well and figuring spots that would heal into scars, he set about grabbing shampoo and washing his hair. He hissed slightly at the condition of the other's left ear; it looked like a dog had gotten to it or something.

Once he was done in the shower, he dried them both off and went right back to the room they'd been busy in. He cleared a space on the desk and set Hidan down carefully, before cleaning up his bed. Once everything was taken care of, Hidan and his things were moved into his own room. If all of this work didn't appease his partner, all Hell would break loose.

The next day was actually fairly quiet, that is, until Hidan woke up around two o'clock. The first word out of his mouth was none-other-than "fuck", and shortly after he was almost yelling. Charging into Kakuzu's room, he made his first mistake of the day; barging in on and interrupting Kakuzu's money-counting. The zombie-like man sighed exasperatedly as Hidan, once more, set about complaining and just full-on criticizing his older partner's generosity.

"I found _stitches_ in my sides this morning. How the _fuck_ do you get off marring my skin like that, asshat?! You're the _worst_! I hope Jashin won't take pity on you, fucker. And what the HELL did you put in my fucking hair? It's grainier than the desert! I feel like I got mauled by that little fuck, Gaara, in my sleep! You can't do anything right…" And on and on it went; had he not left his scythe in his room, Kakuzu was totally convinced that Hidan would have cut him open and eaten his insides.

The worse he decided his insults and threats were, the louder he got. The minutes wore on, and yet Kakuzu was still trying hard to not pay any attention to his banally disagreeable partner, once more showing his animosity for the human race. At this point, the ex-falls nin wasn't even sure Hidan would spare another Jashinist, let alone him. But his patience was wearing thin and finally he set his money away carefully before standing at his full height. Hopefully that would be enough to intimidate the Jashinist for his own good. If he wasn't careful he'd be given a _damn_ good reason to bitch constantly, day in and day out.

To be honest, Kakuzu hadn't really paid enough attention, but he was sure that Hidan didn't even know what set himself off anymore. He'd just be sitting there calmly while Kakuzu did something, actually being somewhat pleasurable to be around for once, and then he'd suddenly go on a tirade. What could a _priest_ be thinking about that would warrant such behavior? Granted he was a _Jashinist_, which probably had something to do with it, if it wasn't the only real reason.

With a sigh, Kakuzu leaned down, holding tight to Hidan's arms. While the younger male quieted down, he didn't quite stop, believing that he could get what he wanted if he just kept going. However, he stopped dead at Kakuzu's next action. Something of a tender kiss was placed on his temple, and, no matter how flippants it seemed, he managed a gruff threat in the other's right ear.

"If I hear one more word out of your mouth before I eat dinner, I'll give you something serious to complain about." Leaving a shaking Hidan to stand dumbly in the doorway, Kakuzu stepped back to his cash, counting calmly, as if he'd just pointed out how nice of a day it was. In all honesty, the white-haired man wasn't sure whether he wanted to talk a lot or not at all; Kakuzu couldn't do too much to him that he'd really hate…but what could he possibly have in mind? He vaguely wondered if he really could talk, just be unable to complain.

Crawling onto the bed beside his lover, then up behind him, he loosely wrapped his arms about his neck and purred.

"Mmm..you know I love it when you threaten me."

With those words, Hidan's fate was sealed.

"I know." Kakuzu gave a faint smile and snaked his tongue out to lick at the other man's arm.

"Am I in trouble?" A soft, tame giggle wormed its way out of his throat.

"No." The answer was simple and nothing but a lie, but Hidan didn't really seem to notice. Laying down behind Kakuzu, Hidan made himself comfortable on his partner's bed. Neither male seemed to know when it happened, exactly, but sometime during their companionable silence, Hidan had managed to fall asleep. Once he had the cover of night on his side, Kakuzu left the room, and then the base in its entirety. He had to find something soon, and tonight.

AN: Alright, guys. I hope this is okay…it's an interesting idea, I think, and I can honestly see it happening. No hating or flaming just because you don't like the fact that something unreal could be happening; you don't know how this happens, yet.


	2. Stolen

**AN: Okay, guys, for all of you who are behind this story, here is chapter two. For those of you about to flame me, I'll put a huge warning here: THIS CHAPTER IS PRETTY GOREY, AND INVOLVES THE MIND OF A STRANGE MAN I HAVEN'T PLAYED ALL THAT OFTEN. SO don't be stupid and flame me. I've gone over everything here. So just leave if you're going to. Flame me and expect an equally angry reply. I refuse to take this story down.**

**Chapter Two: Stolen**

Moving beneath the moonless night, the stealthy nin ran his way into the nearest village and waited. His process of elimination took several hours, but his procedure to finally take out his prey took measly minutes. The man of the house was gone, leaving his target all alone. It seemed that they were trying hard to make a child, and the woman would, obviously, be the one stuck caring for it. With a put-upon sigh, Kakuzu slowly and silently entered the house.

The woman perked at the sudden flare of unfamiliar chakra in the home, but quickly found a scream in her throat. The light of her home was meant to chase away all of the darkness, but it didn't seem to do its job as well as she'd hoped. There stood a man akin to the devil, glowering at her and advancing upon her slowly. Being an S-class missing nin, he was able to quickly subdue her and make sure that she didn't make too much of a fuss, forcing something in her mouth to keep her quiet. He then used a thread to cut open her abdomen, finding where the baby was. When the screaming started up again, he quickly sent another sharp thread into her heart, killing her on the spot. Once he fished out the creature in her belly, he found it a bit harder than he should have to keep it. It was already an embryo, that wouldn't do.

So, without further adieu, the small thing was crushed with a wet 'slorp' sound between large hands, the red liquid dripping down his arms and staining his cloak. He'd take it to a river and try to get the discoloration from it with a rock, later. Dropping the small, embryonic baby, he headed out for another village; this one would soon be looking for him.

It took him nearly all night before he was able to find what he wanted, removing it while the mother slept with nothing but an uncomfortable sting in her belly; he then contained it with a jutsu and took off towards the hideout. Heading up into the waterfall that hid them, he happily set about searching out Hidan. He found, much to his liking, that the man hadn't left his bed, or even moved. That meant he was in a very deep sleep…so deep he probably wouldn't even notice the thing inserted in his belly.

The fertilized egg was finally ready to be sucked into Hidan's abdominal wall, and soon Kakuzu loomed over the sleeping form, swiftly shoving one thread deep into the man's stomach, leaving his new parasitic friend against his insides. Hidan woke rather briskly with a moan in his throat, eyes closed but it was obvious by the way his hips moved forward that he was awake.

"Nnn…Kuzu…" He managed, eyes fluttering a little as the other removed the 'tentacle', leaving the Jashinist panting and looking up at him with lust-filled lilac eyes. Of course, while Kakuzu found it kind of funny that something like this could turn sexual so quickly, he didn't really seem to be too enthused. He simply shrugged it off and pushed Hidan over, collapsing into the bed beside the silver-haired male. Of course, the pale man wrapped his arms around the other, who was so worn out he hadn't even removed his cloak, yet.

"What'd ya wake me up like that for?" For once a sentence without a curse word left the younger man's mouth! Kakuzu would have been thrilled, had he not been so tired. With a smile, he rubbed a hand through the other's meticulously placed hair and nuzzled his neck, biting at the pale column of flesh through his mask, to give the other a sort of incentive for not cussing him out. Of course, Hidan was taking the bait, baring his neck and giving a soft moan, eyes fluttering once more.

"I wanted you to know I was back." He supplied gruffly, watching as soft fingers pried his head gear off, tossing it to the floor and letting his dark hair flow out about his shoulders. The younger male even helped him out of his clothes; yes, all of them.

"You left?" The albino smirked, laughing a bit of an odd, cold tinkle in his throat as he smirked and pulled Kakuzu atop him, watching as the man positioned himself carefully on his arms and knees, to keep from crushing the man beneath him.

"No, you idiot, that's why I wanted you to know I was back." He pointed out with a growl, leaning down and claiming his lips long and hard, with plenty of teeth. He was _really_ proud of Hidan, now. Both arms worked down to his elbows and the hands cupped the back of his partner's head, running through the soft hair; it was now without any kind of gel in it, and it made it much better.

"Mm…I love you, too, Kakuzu." The smaller guy replied, winking a little as he pulled the other down for another kiss. Kakuzu knew he liked it when he got rough with him, even if he tried, sometimes, to sneak in bits of soft, tender loving touches every so often while they did things like this. A kunai down his side left him gasping and he moaned extra-loud, just for his lover, eyes clamped shut. His body arched and he bucked into the other needily, but Kakuzu was soon bored and too sleepy to continue.

"Hidan…" He whispered, carefully climbing off of the other, "Wake me up tomorrow and we'll do this a little better." Of course, now Hidan was _not_ in such a good mood.

"Kaku_zuuuuuuuuu_! Why would you do something like that if you didn't want to….finish?" He growled, looking like he was about to get really unhappy. Kakuzu pulled him down for a long, hard kiss.

"Tomorrow."

Tomorrow. The word reverberated in his head for a while, as the older ninja fell into sleep. Tomorrow, Kakuzu would wake up in quite the interesting way.

**AN: Okay, so, that was this chapter. I hope it's as good as the other one….it's shorter, by a lot, I know that much. –sigh- Oh, well, I got my point across, and that's all that matters. Plus, I got in some more interaction with the characters, something I know they needed after their fight earlier. Even if Hidan was the one that really **_**was**_** the whole fight.**


	3. Feeding

**AN: I'm sorry this took so long to update! I got out of the muse a while back and just couldn't get back into Naruto. However, I have returned and hopefully I can please you with more loveliness...this chapter may end in some smut, but it's mostly going to skip a little into Hidan's pregnancy.**

**WARNING: Hidan's going loopy because he isn't eating enough, and the baby is sucking up all his nutrients. So...he's gonna be kinda weird.**

**Chapter 3: Feeding**

It was like an itch he couldn't scratch. With a cheap-ass boyfriend like Kakuzu was, no matter what town they stopped in, he refused to buy what Hidan was craving. No matter how much the Jashinist begged and pleaded, no matter how much he cursed and growled and threatened him, the taller man seemed to only ignore him. His complaints stretched on and on; everything began to pile up on Kakuzu's eardrums at once, and eventually the Ex-Waterfall Nin found himself wondering when Hidan's ankles began throwing up kidney acid and why his stomach was in his back and hurting. Simply put, Hidan's complaining was only growing worse and worse by the second; the only upside was that the man finally had something _pheasable_ to complain _about_.

"Kuzuuuuuuuuuu~! My _fucking ankles fucking hurt_! Can we take a Jashin-fucking-damn break? I don't give a rat's flying fucking ass if we're in the middle of the Jashin Damn desert! Fucking feed me _eggplant salad sushi_ RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR DIE, FAGFACE." Oh, how he wished Tobi hadn't mistaken his earplugs for marshmallows. If he'd thought his silverette was unbearable _before_ the fetus, man was he about to change his tune. _Nag, nag, nag, biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch, bitch, biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!_ Hidan may have started out with other words, but by the time they reached the stitched man, that was what they had been turned into. All his lover was capable of anymore was negatives; he was slowing them down, forcing more mandatory breaks, begging for strange foods, complaining about constantly being horny...that seemed to be the only comfort the stitched nin had as of late. He could fuck Hidan into the wall, tree, sand, whatever as many times as he wanted, and the albino would _still_ be writhing beneath him, begging for more.

However, as annoying as Hidan was....he had to admit, he _could_ be slightly entertaining when left with nothing but his bitching for too long, for Kakuzu would never give him the satisfaction of replying to him.

"Jashin _damn_ I'm fuckin' hungry~! Gimme mah fooooooooood, muthafucka. Right mrah, right mrah." After a while, something would be tossed over his shoulder. Usually another lousy rations packet, and finally, after his twelfth one, it was tossed back at the back of Kakuzu's head. The man growled and turned on the other, looking too angry, only to be caught in a violet-eyed stare that caught him a little unguard and slightly unnerved him. He'd never gotten a look like that, even from severely pissing off his little albino. There was some hint of a desperate glint in those eyes that seemed to be much like what you'd expect from a starving man on an island who decided his fat friend really _would_ taste like pork. It was then and there that the stingy ninja figured it would be better to indulge Hidan with whatever strange food he desired instead of his next meal. The next village they came to, Hidan was fed until he was fat and happy. In fact, over the past few weeks, he'd noticed there was some kind of pudge growing in Hidan's abdominal area, and he _never_ heard the end of that.

"Kuzu, do you think I'm fat?"

"No." Was the gruff reply; he obviously didn't care.

"You're not _looking_." A black and green eye looked over.

"No." His voice was monotonous.

"Do you _mean _it?"

"..."

"_I said do you FUCKING MEAN IT, BITCH_~!?"

This was proving to be far more problematic than he'd first thought.


End file.
